| ThoughtI guess everyone thinks that they're different.
I wish I wasn't. I've stumbled over the fact time and time again.
Countless people who took their time and are reaping the benefits.
They're completely happy in blindly believing that the one they're with is the one they'll enjoy forever. How can you believe that now? How can I?
Ladies my age have children, Not just one but multiple... and all I see is proof of happiness. I don't doubt their hardship. Not at all.... but the proof of joy is there. Why is it so hard for me? I don't close it out. I love in fear. I love regardless of fear. Truth be told there is no blame for question, when I am full of questions. Sometimes the problem is the answer, and sometimes the alleged answer is really just the problem in the first place. I figured that out today. Without my answer, there would be no problem. A bittersweet and unsatisfying conclusion. I speak in riddles, but it's only fitting for such a complex series of events. When closer means farther,
When deeper means distant
When talking leads to silence,
----gotta get back to work. |
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| Ican't write anything anymore.
Too many people pick it apart for what they want. It doesn't seem to matter where I go.
Don't ask me what I mean. |
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| A note.To anyone who's blissfully happy, and to anyone who can't seem catch a single glimmer of sunlight- all it takes is a single click.
On, off... feelings become irrelevant. What you felt isn't what you feel, and what you feel probably won't exist later on down the road. Emotions don't have to fade, either they are or they aren't. They reside only as a result of the desire to have them, or as the result of holding on to some future hope. Let go of this and grasp the understanding of pure today, and feel the release.
You felt, and felt strongly... urged along by the whirlwind of anothers emotions. If you're holding hands with someone while running, and they stop, either you let go or struggle to drag them along.
Once left behind you have the option of questioning their motives. Obsession, the loss of completion, the emptiness you feel... or you can simply acknowledge that they once were there, and now they are not.
You are your own entity. You are complete with another, you are complete without another. You don't leave pieces of yourself with someone to be left hollow. You shed your skin and leave it behind, and all is new. It is not a hindrance, it is a liberation.
Remember this and you will be strong. You don't give your heart, you share it. If they tamper with it, you may take it back. It is not a gift. No one has the right to damage what belongs to you, and there is no one with the right to allow you to repair it.
I wish to have someone to continue sharing feelings with. I wish to speak truth aloud, I wish what I feel and what I speak to be one and the same. The only thing stopping him from this, is him. I am here, or I am not here. He may choose to share my happiness, and I sincerely wish he would... but no one will stop me from attaining my own in myself. |
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| SomedaySomeday, I'll wake up to a big, fluffy, white comforter and bright white sheets. My windows will be open and there will be sunshine.
My house will be clean, and I will drink tea on my overstuffed couch with a laptop on my lap and the news on TV.
My walls will be painted, and there will be pictures everywhere.
Just my and my kittykitty... maybe.
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| sigh.I miss my bear. his stuff is all gone and so is he. I wonder if he'll be happy without me. I wonder if he feels free. |
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